So, I know it's been a long time since I've done a personal update post. The main reason being, I've not had much to update you on. But, I've had some very recent news, so here goes anyway...
As far as my physical health goes, things are very much the same. I still struggle to get through most days with my pain, but, there is some news on the Endometriosis front. I went back to the doctor, as I've been suffering for so many years with this and the pain as a result of it. She forwarded me on to a specialist at the local hospital. I've seen him, and what he's going to do is gather together all of my medical notes, go through them and try to come up with some kind of solution. I explained we've tried for four years now to get pregnant again with no success, but that now I've reached a decision where I don't want to get pregnant, I want to improve my life first, improve my health and so on.
He says he'll try to tell me exactly what happened to my two daughters, who passed away as babies. Jenny in May 2010(stillborn) and Jessica in October 2008(died at 7hrs old). So that will be good to know, as previously I was told from post mortem test results etc, that there's nothing wrong with my babies. The problem lies within me. But we couldn't work out WHY I keep bleeding out (hemorrhagic bleeds) during pregnancy. I was simply told by my old consultant, "it's just very bad luck", but when trying to consider the possibility of another pregnancy, I need more information than that. I was told after my first daughter passed, it's highly unlikely it'll happen again, yet it did. I was told the same after my second, but I simply cannot accept that any longer. I need to know exactly what happened, why it happened, and is it going to happen again. Or rather, is it LIKELY to happen again. So that's what this consultant is going to try and do for me, along with some treatment for the Endometriosis. There is no cure for it, and I've already had several surgeries. The treatment can send it into remission, if it works. And let's face it, even if it doesn't, I can say I tried and exhausted that avenue.
We know there's a very real chance this consultant will tell me "it's not safe to attempt another pregnancy", and if that is the case, that's fine. Yes, it'll hurt, and I'll be upset again. Yes, I'll feel like I've let my husband down because I couldn't give him a healthy baby. But, if that's my lot in life, then I have to deal with it, process it, and find a way to move forward.
We've always known we would adpot a child someday. It was always our plan, because hey, they said I couldn't get pregnant naturally, due to having squashed ovarian tubes, so the eggs can't make it through the tubes. We had actually just reached the top of the IVF waiting list when we fell pregnant naturally. The letter arrived a week after our positive pregnancy tests. What I'm saying is, when we adpot, I'll still love that child as my own. And I think when people adopt or foster children, it's a great, honourable thing to do. So if I have the chance, the opportunity, to take a child who has nothing, and give them everything I have to give, not necessarily monetary value, but love, a stable home, a stable family environment, and two fluffy dogs on top, then that's great, and I can't wait to reach that point in our lives.
Mental health wise... I'm now on the waiting list up here for a new counsellor ( as I moved house in September remember so everything changed). I'll be having some bereavement therapy this time. To try and help me to come to terms with my daughters' deaths, and learn to cope with it better. I've never had any bereavement help, and it's been going on six years since my eldest passed away, so it's long overdue. Previously, I wasn't ready to let go, despite "friends" trying to tell me "you need to get over it". I figure, it's my life, my love, and my pain, when I'm ready to let go, I'll know it. I was never ready, until now. Now, I want to learn to live for our future, I can't continue to live for my past. It's tearing me apart and I continually hold myself responsible for what happened to them. As I'm sure most mothers do. You always blame yourself when you can't help your children, or make them better. Only for me, and sadly many other parents, the choices I had to make, were do I let them die in peace, or try to force them to live through pain and suffer for the sake of my own feelings. I'll never, ever forget agreeing with the doctor to stop trying to revive my first born. That was a choice I was not in any way prepared for having just given birth, but I made the decision. These are things I need to learn to live WITH, not FOR. I mean, I'll always live for my kids, in the sense that I'll always try to make them proud of me, but I have to stop deatroying myself over what happened. I couldn't save them, my body couldn't cope for whatever reason, I was ready to die to let them live, as most mothers would be. My body just held out a little longer than theirs did, and I'll always be sorry for that, but part of me now sees, I couldn't help it. I was unconscious when it happened. I was dying and as a result, they did. That's the black and white of it. This therapy will help me to come to terms and learn how to use the past to push me to do better in the future.
A scan... I'm due at hospital again next week, to do an updated scan of my pelvic area, to try and get some insight into how I look internally right now, as it's been years since my last scan. The doctor says he may send me for a CT scan as well as this ultrasound, to get as much information as he can. Which is good. He's doing what I hoped, and being thorough about it.
I'm also on the waiting list for an Occupational Therapist to come and visit me. They will be getting me some new disability adaptions and aids for this new flat. I do cope better here, because we have no stairs, but there's still a massive amount that I need help with and they'll be able to help me with providing items that can aid my day to day living. I struggle with even the simplest things, like toilet trips, due to my spinal problems, I can't always manage to use the loo and bend to sort myself out after, without help from my husband. It doesn't leave a person with much dignity, but, the OT says there are things that can help. So I'm looking forward to the possibilities and the difference these simple aids could make for me.
Blogging wise, things are winding down at Fae Books, simply for the sumner months, and becayse hubby's rota has changed. Meaning, he works longer shifts, so has more days off. I've devoted my life to blogging for so long, being stuck inside with agoraphobia, now, I'm getting slowly better with that, so I'm trying to spend some time with him, and do things, like visit Mam's craft fairs, have barbecues etc. It's fun, and gives me a little exposure to the outdoors.
We took my electric wheelchair out, along with the dogs, on a nature walk the other week. Which was great. We took the wheelchair off road, right into the trees. Found a little camping spot with logs around a hearth, and sat there enjoying nature for a while with the dogs. It was great, I really enjoyed it. And it was quiet too, people wise. So I wasn't forced to be around too many people in one place. I didn't feel trapped, though I did still feel very anxious when anyone walked past. However, I think with time and practise, things will improve.
So that's my update. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!
Take care guys, and remember, life is short, so try, try, try to enjoy it. Even when you feel like you can't, just try. That's all anyone can ask of you.
Sarah Fae xox
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